General The life of Steve Jobs

EMDamaker · February 16, 2015

Steve Jobs (a.k.a. iFiredYouInTheElevator Yesterday) was a prominent American cancer victim and embittered technophile best known for selling useless products at inflated prices. An innovator, Jobs pioneered wearing turtleneck sweaters, oppressing Chinese factory slaves, plagiarism, and putting "i" in front of things. By the time of his death he had achieved a near cult status through his front company/temple Apple. Jobs was able to build Apple into the most valuable organization in the world through exploiting the strata of society known as "hipsters" and selling them already available technology in much prettier boxes. His legacy is much debated, but what is certain is that attempts to return him to the Apple Store have failed as he voided his warranty. Apple customers may now finally be able to get Flash Player though, making Mac computers at least 10 per cent less pretentious. Apple "Geniuses" have yet to find a cure for cancer. However, this does prove that although Apple products are less susceptible to fail from viruses, PCs (Pancreatic Cancers) are a different matter though.

Early life

Steve came about when his father's floppy disk was accidentally inserted into his mother's hard drive and they exchanged shareware and Steve was born. His father, a reclusive university professir specialising in New Age Science, lived very much in the rebellious spirit of the period. He believed that children should be free to live without the pressure of their parents so they could be totally free spirits. Social services disagreed and he was taken away for adoption.

Jobs' new parents were natural eccentrics that helped his growth as a technological wiz kid. Job's father built death ray for various nefarious corporations whereas his mother was an autistic professional card counter. The understanding of business, technology and maths he gained from them would be invaluable.

Jobs had a troubled educational career, often dropping out of classes at high school and university to dream of various contraptions and for his longstanding love of writing science fiction. Although he completed the first Back to the Future script in this time he was expelled from school for replacing the class hamster's brain with a basic computer chip. When asked to change it back he claimed that the teachers did not have rights to the software and that the hamster was now simply a vector for technological change.

It was during this time though that he met visionary super nerd and take-out food lover Steve Wozniak. The foundations to success were now in place, although as was the fashion for hippies of the age he first had to sign up, and then drop out of, college before he could start his true calling as a self proclaimed messiah.

The iPhone

Jobs decided in 2005 that he alone would work on a new project that would bring light to the four corners of the world. When he emerged from his lair he held forth his new device and announced 'now anyone, anywhere can talk to another person without seeing them.' Great disappointment followed when Jobs was informed that they had already invented this function. He went back and then leapt forth announcing that he had added a text sending system and funky screen, but alas it was still not enough. Jobs then decided he would do what he had always done and looked at other phones, copied them and the put them in a shinier, cleaner looking package.

Jobs combined this with a brilliant marketing campaign and a series of 'Apps' on the phone that made it seem much cleverer than it was. He then sold it for $1,000 under the slogan 'if you can pay this much for a phone people will KNOW you are popular and cool.' Various Apple-sanctioned apps were offered, such as the iAmafashionconscioustwat app. This made a loud wailing sound whenever someone not dressed in a 'hip' outfit came near the user and anounced that they weren't awesome enough for an iPhone. Also popular was the iNeedtolooklikeiamdoingsomething app that allowed the user to look like they were texting and talking to loads of friends on their iPhone even though everyone f**king hated them and wouldn't dream of contacting them. The iPhone became a massive success with a 90% penetration rate amongst d**kheads, creating sales revenue of over $1 billion when it was first released.

Updated February 16, 2015 by ---EMDamaker--